Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Birthday wishes

Tomorrow is my 34th birthday. It is amazing to me really. I mean seriously, wasn't just yesterday that I was 18 and heading off to college with all those plans and dreams?

I have to say that I am proud of what has come and gone. I have a lovely family, a nice home and friends, activities to keep me busy and places to just be. I have many things to be thankful for. I have few regrets. I can sit here and look back and be happy with what the last 14 years have brought me.

The recent loss of DH's grandmother and the deterioration of my own grandmother's health combined with my birthday have caused me to stop and think a bit about what I want from the years to come. What do I want my children to see and experience while I still have them with me? What do I want my future to look like? What do I want the kids' futures to look like?

My oldest will be turning 12 this summer. I have such a short time left to help her become the person I think she can be. She has issues that need addressing. How do I address them and help her change and grow into a better person? Don't get me wrong, she is a lovely child with many good qualities. She is everyone's friend, a relatively good student, fairly confident in herself and her abilities. But she has one irritating, annoying and potentially damaging personal flaw. She lies. She lies to her dad and to me. The lies can be big, like saying she fed her pets when she actually has not, or small like admitting she did something annoying but insignificant. We have yet to find her ticket or currency. That one little thing that will trigger something inside of her to tell the truth all the time, even when the truth has consequences. So that is something I want to work on with her. I want her to be a confident, truthful young lady.

My middle one is turning 8 next month. She has her own struggles and I worry about her as well. She is working so hard to learn to read well though she is not loving the process. I want her to succeed with this and not suffer from some of the problems her sister did. I want her to see the possibilities open to her. I want to instill in her a love of learning, travel and exploration. I want to take her places and experience things with her. Really that is what I want for all of my kids.

Then there is my little one. He will turn 4 this year. It is so hard to believe. He is growing up so fast. Already he has nearly a year of preschool under his belt. He is learning his letters and sounds. I want to help him explore his world and everything in it. I want to teach him to love learning and school now so he does not struggle with it as I see some of the boys at school are now.

Okay that takes care of my immediate hopes for my kids. So what about me? That is what this post was supposed to be about after all. What are my goals for myself? I already posted about goals and dreams in one of the SS blog challenge posts. So has anything changed in the last couple weeks? Not really. I still have the same issues and blocks. I still have the same limited vision when it comes to myself and my future. But with recent events I have spent more time thinking about it. So what do I want? I want to pay off our debts so we can live on the income we have instead of spending it all on paying off our past life. I am not sure how to go about this. I can't see getting a job because there are so many things I do for the kids that Matt either can't or won't do. These things are important to them becoming the well-rounded adults I foresee them being. Hmmmm..... I am nearly 34 years old and I don't want to be an adult anymore. It takes too much work. I don't want to make decisions. I know realistically that I can't quit. I know that I have to make the tough decisions to help my family's future. I have to find a way to pay for the things I want, like my football tickets, the payment for which is due soon, while working to pay down the debts we have accumulated. I just have not come up with any good ideas on how to do that. I have to figure out a way to live within Matt's paycheck. There has to be a way to do it.

So what does all this rambling lead me to? I want to enjoy my life. I want to be more proactive in taking care of my family. To do that I need to take care of myself. I also need to answer some hard questions.

What am I willing to do to help the financial picture we have?

Am I ready to give up the dream of one more baby?

What do I want for myself?

Oh I hate self-analysis. I usually do not like the picture I see. I am naturally lazy and I know that. I don't work hard enough to overcome that. My house and my body both show the results of that. It is time to turn over a new leaf. Tomorrow is my birthday but there is no reason to wait until then. So I started this morning. I stayed off the computer until I had done some housework. Now my living room looks so much better with everything picked up off the floor. There is still a bit of vacuuming to be done and the coffee table needs to be cleared but the important thing is I took a baby step. I did something to make something in my life better.

I don't think any of this post made any sense but it will have to do for now. The dryer has notified me that it needs my attention.

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